Sometimes, SuperWoman learns, our bodies just get fed up with all those toxins we put in them everyday. If SuperWoman is going to defeat evil in its various forms, she has to be in tip-top shape. That’s why she gets up at dawn to exercise every morning.(Not.) That’s why she has spinach with every meal. (Okay, maybe just a little, in her salads, when she eats them.) But now? SuperWoman is getting ready to conquer her biggest enemy—SELF DOUBT—and so, she has decided, on the suggestion of a medicine woman, to do what’s called a “cleanse.”
Are you slumping over in your chair right about now in sympathy for SuperWoman? You should be. Because that’s not all. What else is SuperWoman not allowed to have?
Oh, the list goes on, but those are the highlights. And this cleanse—21 whole days of it—is frickin’ hard. Sugar is in everything. So is soy. So is chemical after chemical. So SuperWoman is eating like the ancients of Amaza, the land she hails from. Nuts and some kinds of fruit. Lettuce. Did she mention nuts? Seeds, too. And not even all fruit is on her menu. No bananas, for instance, no strawberries. Did she say nuts? But not peanuts. These cleanse people seem to have something against peanuts, which SuperWoman can just not figure out, because she loves peanut butter so much she would marry it. She’d probably, most definitely, pick it over chocolate, if both offered a ring and asked for her hand.
But she digresses.
Here is what you’re probably wondering. 11 days into her cleanse, did she cheat? Hell yeah.
But not so bad. Really. One day, she got a small coffee (half-caff!) and drank a little of it because her eyes were closing at work, and that can’t be good. And then another day, she ate peanut butter instead of almond butter on a rice cake.
She’s so bad.
Also, SuperWoman felt tired. She called that medicine woman, and she said, ugh, what’s the deal? Why am I feeling sluggish? You told me I’d be feeling great!
Apparently, at the end of all this, she’s going to feel amazing. Meanwhile, every piece of cake, bread, or cracker she sees she wants to scarf down. Chocolate-covered pretzels. Birthday cake. Pizza. French fries. She’d even settle for a honey-roasted chicken wing.
But not until 21 days is over. Thursday August 2 is the big day. SuperWoman will be so strong on that day. So powerful. So ready to show SELF DOUBT and any other demon that it can’t get the best of her, that she is the defeat-ER, that those creatures aren’t going to know what to do with themselves.
Her only hope is she doesn’t go to the store and buy a bag of Oreos and cover them with peanut butter and dunk them in milk and finish them in one sitting. That’s the problem with forbidden things. They hold so much more allure….
TO BE CONTINUED….